But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
