Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
