You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i've created a new STD.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
