I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
