one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
