Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
