those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
