i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
