I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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