I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
