I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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