Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
