sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You can't motorboat a personality
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
