so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
