when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize