I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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