Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
