I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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