i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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