I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize