The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
