I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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