I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
