my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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