Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
