i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
