Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
