one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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