I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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