I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize