you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
