I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
