is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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