why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
