why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
