I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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