I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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