Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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