Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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