We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
