i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize