My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
