I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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