i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
