I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
COCAINE IS GR8
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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