Having a random hookup so left but love u
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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