So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
