Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
