he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
