First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize