took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
