I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
