then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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