You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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