Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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