dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize