moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
