I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
