First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize